~vidak :emacs: on Nostr: this society has done a very good job of abusing me so far. my kindness is taken for ...

this society has done a very good job of abusing me so far. my kindness is taken for weakness. my mercy towards others frequently makes even myself feel like an idiot. all too often, when i choose to forgive, i am making a mistake.

i cannot tell you how many times i have been cheated, lied to, and treated with contempt.

i am proof that you can live an incredibly privileged life, make very few mistakes, try one's hardest to be a good person, and still be a complete outcast and failure.

these last few days, i have felt truly awful. my whole life, all i have ever wanted was to be loved and belong. i am no closer to fulfilling that desire than the day i was born.

i cannot stand being alone, it hurts so, so much. but i am going to have to learn to be alone.

i know for certain that i am a truly good and morally beautiful person. the thing that makes me truly scared, and prevents me from sleeping, is that almost everyone i have let into my heart does not care a single fucking bit.

somehow, i will find a way to give myself the recognition and respect i need.