How the other half thinks

You have no idea

I regularly read comments from people, on here, wondering how it’s possible to marry – or even simply be friends! – with someone who doesn’t agree with you on politics. I see this sentiment expressed quite often, usually in the context of Bitcoin, or whatever pig is currently being chased through the village, as they say around here.

It seems rather sensible, but I don’t think it’s as hard, as people make it out to be. Further, I think it’s a dangerous precondition to set, for your interpersonal relationships, because the political field is constantly in flux. If you determine who you will love, by their opinions, do you stop loving them if their opinions change, or if the opinions they have become irrelevant and a new set of opinions are needed – and their new ones don’t match your new ones? We could see this happen to relationships en masse, during the Covid Era, and I think it happens every day, in a slow grind toward the disintegration of interpersonal discourse.

I suspect many people do stop loving, at that point, as they never really loved the other person for their own sake, they loved the other person because they thought the other person was exactly like they are. But no two people are alike, and the longer you are in a relationship with someone else, the more the initial giddiness wears off and the trials and tribulations add up, the more you notice how very different you actually are. This is the point, where best friends and romantic couples say, We just grew apart.

But you were always apart. You were always two different people. You just didn’t notice, until now.

I’ve also always been surprised at how many same-party relationships disintegrate because of some disagreement over some particular detail of some particular topic, that they generally agree on. To me, it seems like an irrelevant side-topic, but they can’t stand to be with this person… and they stomp off. So, I tend to think that it’s less that opinions need to align to each other, but rather than opinions need to align in accordance with the level of interpersonal tolerance they can bring into the relationship.

I was raised by relaxed revolutionaries

Maybe I see things this way because my parents come from two diverging political, cultural, national, and ethnic backgrounds, and are prone to disagreeing about a lot of “important” (to people outside their marriage) things, but still have one of the healthiest, most-fruitful, and most long-running marriages of anyone I know, from that generation. My parents, you see, aren’t united by their opinions. They’re united by their relationship, which is something outside of opinions. Beyond opinions. Relationships are what turn two different people into one, cohesive unit, so that they slowly grow together. Eventually, even their faces merge, and their biological clocks tick to the same rhythm. They eventually become one entity that contains differing opinions about the same topics.

It’s like magic, but it’s the result of a mindset, not a worldview. Or, as I like to quip:

The best way to stay married, is to not get divorced.

My parents simply determined early on, that they would stay together, and whenever they would find that they disagreed on something that didn’t directly pertain to their day-to-day existence with each other they would just agree-to-disagree about that, or roll their eyes, and move on. You do you. Live and let live.

My parents have some of the most strongly held personal opinions of any people I’ve ever met, but they’re also incredibly tolerant and can get along with nearly anyone, so their friends are a confusing hodgepodge of people we liked and found interesting enough to keep around. Which makes their house parties really fun, and highly unusual, in this day and age of mutual-damnation across the aisle.

The things that did affect them, directly, like which school the children should attend or which country they should live in, etc. were things they’d sit down and discuss, and somehow one opinion would emerge, and they’d again… move on.

And that’s how my husband and I also live our lives, and it’s been working surprisingly well. No topics are off-limits to discussion (so long as you don’t drone on for too long), nobody has to give up deeply held beliefs, or stop agitating for the political decisions they prefer.

You see, we didn’t like that the other always had the same opinion. We liked that the other always held their opinions strongly. That they were passionate about their opinions. That they were willing to voice their opinions; sacrifice to promote their opinions. And that they didn’t let anyone browbeat or cow them, for their opinions, not even their best friends or their spouse. But that they were open to listening to the other side, and trying to wrap their mind around the possibility that they might just be wrong about something.

We married each other because we knew: this person really cares, this person has thought this through, and they’re in it, to win it. What “it” is, is mostly irrelevant, so long as it doesn’t entail torturing small animals in the basement, or raising the children on a diet of Mountain Dew and porn, or something.

Live and let live. At least, it’s never boring. At least, there’s always something to argue talk about. At least, we never think… we’ve just grown apart.