alina🏳️⚧️🐾 on Nostr: pride and guilt as a concept are hard to grasp for me, my brain can't get out of ...
pride and guilt as a concept are hard to grasp for me, my brain can't get out of seeing the world and social interactions from a fatalist perspective where every action has a cause that can be tracked back to either radioactive noise causing randomness or to the first steps of evolution of earthlings - where everything is logical and purely based on a cell's materialistic contents and encodings
this is a sad way of looking at things, i felt more in control of my own actions and thoughts instead of feeling like a mere spectator of purely deterministic organic computer, simulating life's instructions and suffering through all these pitfalls until the inevitable end of my life
sometimes my brain gets flooded with chemicals producing a feeling of happiness, giving me emotions and social bonds as a treat, yet the thought that none of this is my doing but instead the result of an equation - a wave that once expanded in something we call the big bang to become the observable universe, it's inner living entities and beyond, that will eventually collapse - is rather depressing
if i'm condemned to be forever trapped in this living corpse, a breathing prison for my wishes and dreams, i at least want to be "lucky" and resolve this equation in a way that maximizes happiness and leaves behind more than a bunch of noise and radiating particles, but a beautiful artwork that can be imagined like a never-ending, yet astounding system of floaters in Conway's game of life, which is such a cliché metaphor for being loved and leaving back memories in humans that mean everything to me, but who am i to judge
something that supports this feeling of being out of control is that i spend 99℅ of my day in dissociation, a trance like state where i see and feel yet i do not perceive any of my environment due to being broken by traumatic events and abusive people in the past
my body is locking my brain down in a response to intense stress which lasted for as long as i can think
i understand this psychological process, yet i can not escape it's reign
a few times a day i wake up, my brain reassociates and stops setting my subconscious mind in control of my body and gives me a few seconds of feeling like i am finally back, finally in control of my life
but then a few seconds later i fall back into dissociation
this is why i got so hooked onto psychedelic drugs, they expand this time frame of a few seconds to minutes and at the same time let me have an exotic adventure, letting me reform reality through my pure strength of my mind and even bend physics and the appearance of my environment by hallucinating intensively
i know they're harmful in the long term because they worsen the state of my psychiatric well being by bringing chaos into my biochemistry, but i'm so so desperate to see new things, to achieve my dreams and to finally be back in control, or at least enjoy the illusion of control while it lasts
but at the end, control is an illusion. i wish i could find a way out of this never ending nightmare, or find joy in a deterministic system of horror like Sisyphus, the mortal originating from Greek mythology who got punished by the gods and sentenced to forever roll a stone up a hill, watch it roll back down again and repeat into eternity - yet he found joy in it..
how do i find joy in this dystopia?
this is a sad way of looking at things, i felt more in control of my own actions and thoughts instead of feeling like a mere spectator of purely deterministic organic computer, simulating life's instructions and suffering through all these pitfalls until the inevitable end of my life
sometimes my brain gets flooded with chemicals producing a feeling of happiness, giving me emotions and social bonds as a treat, yet the thought that none of this is my doing but instead the result of an equation - a wave that once expanded in something we call the big bang to become the observable universe, it's inner living entities and beyond, that will eventually collapse - is rather depressing
if i'm condemned to be forever trapped in this living corpse, a breathing prison for my wishes and dreams, i at least want to be "lucky" and resolve this equation in a way that maximizes happiness and leaves behind more than a bunch of noise and radiating particles, but a beautiful artwork that can be imagined like a never-ending, yet astounding system of floaters in Conway's game of life, which is such a cliché metaphor for being loved and leaving back memories in humans that mean everything to me, but who am i to judge
something that supports this feeling of being out of control is that i spend 99℅ of my day in dissociation, a trance like state where i see and feel yet i do not perceive any of my environment due to being broken by traumatic events and abusive people in the past
my body is locking my brain down in a response to intense stress which lasted for as long as i can think
i understand this psychological process, yet i can not escape it's reign
a few times a day i wake up, my brain reassociates and stops setting my subconscious mind in control of my body and gives me a few seconds of feeling like i am finally back, finally in control of my life
but then a few seconds later i fall back into dissociation
this is why i got so hooked onto psychedelic drugs, they expand this time frame of a few seconds to minutes and at the same time let me have an exotic adventure, letting me reform reality through my pure strength of my mind and even bend physics and the appearance of my environment by hallucinating intensively
i know they're harmful in the long term because they worsen the state of my psychiatric well being by bringing chaos into my biochemistry, but i'm so so desperate to see new things, to achieve my dreams and to finally be back in control, or at least enjoy the illusion of control while it lasts
but at the end, control is an illusion. i wish i could find a way out of this never ending nightmare, or find joy in a deterministic system of horror like Sisyphus, the mortal originating from Greek mythology who got punished by the gods and sentenced to forever roll a stone up a hill, watch it roll back down again and repeat into eternity - yet he found joy in it..
how do i find joy in this dystopia?