Jean on Nostr: Today would have been my Nanay's 98th birthday. She died in 2020 from stroke--a ...
Today would have been my Nanay's 98th birthday. She died in 2020 from stroke--a complications of her heart problems.
I haven't been back to the Philippines since 3 Jan 2019. That was the the week before the pandemic became the echo in every conversation.
And for some reasons, I refuse to go back. I am afraid that her absence would make it real: that the silence behind the door she once opened for me will unveil the permanency of her death.
Five years have passed. I thought that I have made peace with her death. But every 22nd of February, the wound splits open, followed by a torrent of grief that I cannot contain. I was wailing this morning, the kind of wail as if time had never dulled the pain.
Yes, I am still in denial. A part of me still clings to the delusions that if I ever go back home, she'd still be there waiting as if time didnt steal her away.
I grew up without my parents. My mum left early to work overseas. I never met my father. From age 1 - 22, my Nanay was my grandma, mother, father and best friend. I left the Philippines to pursue further education overseas, but I always remember to go back every December and February. That was until 2020.
It still pains me that I wasn't even there when she passed. Happy birthday, Nanay. We will meet again someday. I really, really miss you.
I haven't been back to the Philippines since 3 Jan 2019. That was the the week before the pandemic became the echo in every conversation.
And for some reasons, I refuse to go back. I am afraid that her absence would make it real: that the silence behind the door she once opened for me will unveil the permanency of her death.
Five years have passed. I thought that I have made peace with her death. But every 22nd of February, the wound splits open, followed by a torrent of grief that I cannot contain. I was wailing this morning, the kind of wail as if time had never dulled the pain.
Yes, I am still in denial. A part of me still clings to the delusions that if I ever go back home, she'd still be there waiting as if time didnt steal her away.
I grew up without my parents. My mum left early to work overseas. I never met my father. From age 1 - 22, my Nanay was my grandma, mother, father and best friend. I left the Philippines to pursue further education overseas, but I always remember to go back every December and February. That was until 2020.
It still pains me that I wasn't even there when she passed. Happy birthday, Nanay. We will meet again someday. I really, really miss you.