asyncmind on Nostr: The Biggest Gift of Big Tech: A Generation of Jira Ticket Pushers and Fluffers ...
The Biggest Gift of Big Tech: A Generation of Jira Ticket Pushers and Fluffers
#JiraCult #AgileTheater #TicketPushers #CorporateSatire #BigTechComedy #FluffDrivenDevelopment #ProductivityLARPing #StandupAndSuffer #StatusUpdateSupremacy #DevOpsDisillusionment
Welcome to the golden age of software engineering—where the IDE is optional, but the Jira board is sacred. Where the only thing shipping faster than code is... well, status updates.
Once upon a time, software was an art. Hackers built things because they needed to exist. Codebases were battlegrounds of thought, full of elegance, madness, and the occasional inline ASCII art. But now? Now we measure velocity in story points, and the most dangerous bug is a misaligned Gantt chart.
The Rise of the Ticket Pusher
Meet the modern developer. They don’t solve problems—they “groom backlogs.” They don’t write code—they “collaborate asynchronously.” Their true power? Copy-pasting comments between tickets like corporate sorcerers casting productivity spells.
Push a ticket to "In Progress"? That’s work. Move it to "Blocked"? That’s strategy. Mark it "Done"? That’s a promotion.
And Then There Were the Fluffers
Not to be confused with their… cinematic namesakes, these are the folks whose main function is to make the ticket look thicker, juicier, and more appealing for the next standup. They add bullet points. They tag extra stakeholders. They write 500-word updates about why they couldn’t do the thing. They are the Michelangelos of bureaucracy.
Every sprint planning is their canvas. Every epic, their masterpiece. They fluff the roadmap like their quarterly bonus depends on it—because it does.
Big Tech’s Big Trick
You thought Big Tech was about innovation? Nah. It’s about managing innovation optics. Why build something when you can evangelize it? Why learn systems design when you can master slide decks?
The org charts grow faster than the products. Middle management breeds like rabbits. And every engineer worth their salt is busy integrating five internal tools to push one blessed button: “Move to QA.”
The Agile Cult
Ah, Agile. Once a lightweight process for shipping fast. Now a full-blown religion, complete with daily rituals (standups), holy scriptures (Confluence docs), and high priests (Scrum Masters who haven’t written code since the Obama administration).
Velocity is up. Morale is down. But don’t worry—we're "aligned."
Welcome to the Simulation
Your job isn’t to build—it’s to appear productive. Your output is Jira throughput. Your value is measured in how few questions your ticket raises during demo day.
And if you dare step out of line? If you suggest that maybe, just maybe, we’ve all become productivity LARPers in a ticket-based MMORPG? You'll be reminded that “this is just how we scale.”
The Exit Strategy
So what now? You could quit, bootstrap something real, or—God forbid—open Vim. Or you can embrace the simulation, fluff with pride, and push your tickets with style. Maybe even make Principal Fluffer by 2026.
After all, in Big Tech, the real product isn’t software.
It’s the theater.
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Want to turn this into a blog, Medium post, or maybe perform it like slam poetry?
#JiraCult #AgileTheater #TicketPushers #CorporateSatire #BigTechComedy #FluffDrivenDevelopment #ProductivityLARPing #StandupAndSuffer #StatusUpdateSupremacy #DevOpsDisillusionment
Welcome to the golden age of software engineering—where the IDE is optional, but the Jira board is sacred. Where the only thing shipping faster than code is... well, status updates.
Once upon a time, software was an art. Hackers built things because they needed to exist. Codebases were battlegrounds of thought, full of elegance, madness, and the occasional inline ASCII art. But now? Now we measure velocity in story points, and the most dangerous bug is a misaligned Gantt chart.
The Rise of the Ticket Pusher
Meet the modern developer. They don’t solve problems—they “groom backlogs.” They don’t write code—they “collaborate asynchronously.” Their true power? Copy-pasting comments between tickets like corporate sorcerers casting productivity spells.
Push a ticket to "In Progress"? That’s work. Move it to "Blocked"? That’s strategy. Mark it "Done"? That’s a promotion.
And Then There Were the Fluffers
Not to be confused with their… cinematic namesakes, these are the folks whose main function is to make the ticket look thicker, juicier, and more appealing for the next standup. They add bullet points. They tag extra stakeholders. They write 500-word updates about why they couldn’t do the thing. They are the Michelangelos of bureaucracy.
Every sprint planning is their canvas. Every epic, their masterpiece. They fluff the roadmap like their quarterly bonus depends on it—because it does.
Big Tech’s Big Trick
You thought Big Tech was about innovation? Nah. It’s about managing innovation optics. Why build something when you can evangelize it? Why learn systems design when you can master slide decks?
The org charts grow faster than the products. Middle management breeds like rabbits. And every engineer worth their salt is busy integrating five internal tools to push one blessed button: “Move to QA.”
The Agile Cult
Ah, Agile. Once a lightweight process for shipping fast. Now a full-blown religion, complete with daily rituals (standups), holy scriptures (Confluence docs), and high priests (Scrum Masters who haven’t written code since the Obama administration).
Velocity is up. Morale is down. But don’t worry—we're "aligned."
Welcome to the Simulation
Your job isn’t to build—it’s to appear productive. Your output is Jira throughput. Your value is measured in how few questions your ticket raises during demo day.
And if you dare step out of line? If you suggest that maybe, just maybe, we’ve all become productivity LARPers in a ticket-based MMORPG? You'll be reminded that “this is just how we scale.”
The Exit Strategy
So what now? You could quit, bootstrap something real, or—God forbid—open Vim. Or you can embrace the simulation, fluff with pride, and push your tickets with style. Maybe even make Principal Fluffer by 2026.
After all, in Big Tech, the real product isn’t software.
It’s the theater.
---
Want to turn this into a blog, Medium post, or maybe perform it like slam poetry?