Queen Of Coffee on Nostr: npub18ljjw…480hq We almost never fight. That's not to say we don't get mad at each ...
npub18ljjwuh8vt0lrh3fe3vsefddt40u297gtsk3d4v4ywhjnvms9zfqy480hq (npub18lj…80hq) We almost never fight. That's not to say we don't get mad at each other. But, when dating, we actually established rules on how we were going to argue. It was necessary because I'm an in-your-face aggresor and he's an avoider. At any point in a disagreement he is allowed to table it until we can both talk normally, not to exceed 24 hours.
We also promised to not talk about how someone did something that made us upset, but to talk about how we felt when said thing happened. This way, we don't blame the fight on something inherent in the other person's personality (which makes it hard to solve). Also, I believe that when you love someone if you made them sad or hurt (because anger is a secondary emotion) you will want to stop what's causing your lover distress.
The last rule follows the 2nd. Because anger is a secondary emotion we try address our disagreement in terms of the underlying issue rather than the latent one.
Ex. He refused to pick up my prescription. That's really a fight over who's time is more valuable. I'm hurt he felt my time wasn't as important as his.
I think all conflict happens due to a scarcity (whether real or perceived) in resources. Time, money, love, respect etc. are all resources in a relationship. Conflict is necessary to test the balance of the relationship or you can't balance the resources in a satisfactory way.
Sorry for the book, but I'm kinda passionate about this subject.
We also promised to not talk about how someone did something that made us upset, but to talk about how we felt when said thing happened. This way, we don't blame the fight on something inherent in the other person's personality (which makes it hard to solve). Also, I believe that when you love someone if you made them sad or hurt (because anger is a secondary emotion) you will want to stop what's causing your lover distress.
The last rule follows the 2nd. Because anger is a secondary emotion we try address our disagreement in terms of the underlying issue rather than the latent one.
Ex. He refused to pick up my prescription. That's really a fight over who's time is more valuable. I'm hurt he felt my time wasn't as important as his.
I think all conflict happens due to a scarcity (whether real or perceived) in resources. Time, money, love, respect etc. are all resources in a relationship. Conflict is necessary to test the balance of the relationship or you can't balance the resources in a satisfactory way.
Sorry for the book, but I'm kinda passionate about this subject.