Eric on Nostr: Does it matter? I may never again celebrate my own christmas. The only traditions I ...
Does it matter? I may never again celebrate my own christmas. The only traditions I will pass aling to my children will be the tapestry of different traditions they observed celebrating other family's christmasses. Maybe that is even how it should be. But it doesn't sit well with me. It feels like one more way I have failed my children.
By the way, my entire existence may go to shit. I may sink into a deep depression. I may not survive it. However, I can still journal it here. This may become some kind of cautionary tale, or a pure train wreck. Right now it already feels like a dumpster fire. But if someone finds this, maybe it helps them somehow. Maybe they take simething from knowing that they aren't the only one going through some shit. So I'll keep journalling here. Not because I'm proud of it, amd this is the opposite from what an influencer would want in their notes. Just because I think it helps me work through some of this stuff by typing it out, manifesting it into being so it can be accepted befote moving on.
How selfish is it that I should ve able to dictate my own holiday traditions? That I should somehow expect a family of my own to celebrate with? That shit left my world in August 1986, along with most of the rest of my childhood innocence.
Oh well, that's just one of those things that I don't have much control over, regardless the suck.
I could whine about buying a bunch of shit that people don't appreciate, but I actually do that a lot less now. I've been far worse at it. I think I'm actually a pretty good gifter. I rarely ask people for what they want. I don't like buying stuff off a prepared list. Everything I give to people, I assume they will like based on my experience of them. Conversely, I don't like telking people what I like. I'm one of those people that has everything they want and more, and if I actually wamt something, I can just buy it. I tell people, the best way to shop for me is to take $10 (or now with inflation, $20) to the thrift store, and buy something interesting. A couple times, people actually did this. I still have almost every one of those finds.
My wife (and my ex-wife) are horrible gifters. My wife gifts out of guilt. She came from a rough past, and now tries to buy people as much stuff as she can - but is useless without a list of what they want. She buys at least twice as many presents each year as I do. She just maxes out whatever credit options she has. No discipline at all around spending. She believes she is a great gifter and buys the best gifts because she buys the most expensive things people tell her they want. I don't tell her otherwise, but completely disagree. I figured out a long time ago that she sees the world as it relates to her - so she is at the center of it all. It is all her show, and she is the star. She gets very offended if anyone suggests otherwisr. So it makes conplete sense that she is buying gifts to look like the star to other people - to buy their appreciation - oh, you want this thing? I will buy it for you! Do you love me?
The important thing to her is that last question. She has very low self esteem, low self-worth, so she desparately farms appreciation and love from others. I understand - I had similar issues for most of my life. I met her when my self esteem was at a low.
To be continued...
By the way, my entire existence may go to shit. I may sink into a deep depression. I may not survive it. However, I can still journal it here. This may become some kind of cautionary tale, or a pure train wreck. Right now it already feels like a dumpster fire. But if someone finds this, maybe it helps them somehow. Maybe they take simething from knowing that they aren't the only one going through some shit. So I'll keep journalling here. Not because I'm proud of it, amd this is the opposite from what an influencer would want in their notes. Just because I think it helps me work through some of this stuff by typing it out, manifesting it into being so it can be accepted befote moving on.
How selfish is it that I should ve able to dictate my own holiday traditions? That I should somehow expect a family of my own to celebrate with? That shit left my world in August 1986, along with most of the rest of my childhood innocence.
Oh well, that's just one of those things that I don't have much control over, regardless the suck.
I could whine about buying a bunch of shit that people don't appreciate, but I actually do that a lot less now. I've been far worse at it. I think I'm actually a pretty good gifter. I rarely ask people for what they want. I don't like buying stuff off a prepared list. Everything I give to people, I assume they will like based on my experience of them. Conversely, I don't like telking people what I like. I'm one of those people that has everything they want and more, and if I actually wamt something, I can just buy it. I tell people, the best way to shop for me is to take $10 (or now with inflation, $20) to the thrift store, and buy something interesting. A couple times, people actually did this. I still have almost every one of those finds.
My wife (and my ex-wife) are horrible gifters. My wife gifts out of guilt. She came from a rough past, and now tries to buy people as much stuff as she can - but is useless without a list of what they want. She buys at least twice as many presents each year as I do. She just maxes out whatever credit options she has. No discipline at all around spending. She believes she is a great gifter and buys the best gifts because she buys the most expensive things people tell her they want. I don't tell her otherwise, but completely disagree. I figured out a long time ago that she sees the world as it relates to her - so she is at the center of it all. It is all her show, and she is the star. She gets very offended if anyone suggests otherwisr. So it makes conplete sense that she is buying gifts to look like the star to other people - to buy their appreciation - oh, you want this thing? I will buy it for you! Do you love me?
The important thing to her is that last question. She has very low self esteem, low self-worth, so she desparately farms appreciation and love from others. I understand - I had similar issues for most of my life. I met her when my self esteem was at a low.
To be continued...