Souru on Nostr: It's one of those nights tonight. Classes resume tomorrow, I don't know what this ...
It's one of those nights tonight.
Classes resume tomorrow, I don't know what this relapse is all about, but I'm feeling truly worthless, for no reason whatsoever. At this point it's just instinctual, a thought might bring me to consider something and my first thought will be that it's all beyond my reach because I suck and there's no way I could be there in the first place. It's tiring.
I'm not a loser, I don't think so. There's good things about me, but when I ask myself for a show of hands I have to admit that, yes, it's true, I got nothing to show. And it's a not something I can control, because I've been trying to do my best to not care and willfully go with the flow of things; what you can do you can do, and what you can't you let go. And yet it's not enough. Then the worm in my head turns into a creeping "well, if you can't do anything about it it's because you aren't looking for ways to do so, it's your fault for things to be static, it's your fault you can't do stuff because if you were someone else you would be in a position where you could at least try something". Someone told me I make myself a martyr, which made me want to drop all of it because it's true. I do look myself down and put myself to suffer, I worry for no reason and turn myself neurotic time and time again. What for? Pure habit. I'm not alone at all, I'm not pressured or in danger or forced to do anything. I'm just comparing myself to others again, and I'm not winning.
Classes resume tomorrow, I don't know what this relapse is all about, but I'm feeling truly worthless, for no reason whatsoever. At this point it's just instinctual, a thought might bring me to consider something and my first thought will be that it's all beyond my reach because I suck and there's no way I could be there in the first place. It's tiring.
I'm not a loser, I don't think so. There's good things about me, but when I ask myself for a show of hands I have to admit that, yes, it's true, I got nothing to show. And it's a not something I can control, because I've been trying to do my best to not care and willfully go with the flow of things; what you can do you can do, and what you can't you let go. And yet it's not enough. Then the worm in my head turns into a creeping "well, if you can't do anything about it it's because you aren't looking for ways to do so, it's your fault for things to be static, it's your fault you can't do stuff because if you were someone else you would be in a position where you could at least try something". Someone told me I make myself a martyr, which made me want to drop all of it because it's true. I do look myself down and put myself to suffer, I worry for no reason and turn myself neurotic time and time again. What for? Pure habit. I'm not alone at all, I'm not pressured or in danger or forced to do anything. I'm just comparing myself to others again, and I'm not winning.