npub1zh…ggdq0 on Nostr: I told Lil Snow about you because I didn't know what else to say. then one night ...
I told Lil Snow about you because I didn't know what else to say. then one night while we were cruising along the boardwalk – him in rollerblades and me on a bike – I saw a man riding a bike who looked like you without a beard. it triggered a memory of seeing a man who looked like you riding a bike months before, and another of a man who looked like you staring out at the sunset from the cafe in front of the hostel.
I freaked out like, "Lil Snow, he's here."
Lil Snow mocked me about it, which made me not like Lil Snow very much. I told him it was a money thing and, of course, he was like "Yeah, ok liar." he asked me if I loved you and I said something like, "Well, out of all these men he was the one I said I was going to marry." and that's true. I did tell my family, almost as an act of rebellion, that I was going to marry you someday and this made them hate me.
then Lil Snow started asking me all these questions about whether I liked this or that and how his dream was to have all these women. I felt like maybe he was the embodiment of you, too; actually, like all these men who knew of me but knew I was not like that.
I remember how dumb I was just five short years ago. despite everyone saying that I'd be the Only for a man like that, that was not the vibe I got from you. I got the vibe that by the time we got to the end, I would be the only, if we ever got there at all.
but things got so complicated between them and now. I don't feel like that could ever be true because of how much my internet ex-husband and his people hate your guts. life just keeps reminding me of you and I hate that, too. even this dream I just had.
but there's a history I don't know and I assume that that's why that dream could never be real. I've only heard rumors anyway. they said you've done things that are unforgivable, especially by a woman like me.
so why does it feel like you changed the core of you and my internet ex-husband still cannot and did not? not even with the whole dog and pony show, not with the critical acclaim, and especially not with the criticism. he still can't handle basic criticism. I can't imagine a life like that where our conversations go in circles around his defense mechanisms.
I always felt like you understood.
anyways, maybe after this last fight he's actually done. I am and I'm concerned about the way we've gone back to square one again and again: he just wants to say he got his chance and that's probably it. it's about his ego because he could never handle the original option of watching me run off with you. we'd be too happy together and he'd be too jealous.
I'm not sure Lil Snow actually helped in that department so he's trying to use Lil Snow to make ME jealous now lol. strange cause Lil Snow doesn't even like him and doesn't care about the shit he does. Lil Snow is a little bit more like you, and that's what he wants in on.
one time Lil Snow showed up at the hostel I was at right as I started singing the song "At Last" by Etta James. it was awkward because it wasn't really about him, since he doesn't love me and I can't love someone who doesn't love me. after, he said, "You should sing 'It's My Life'." unfortunately, I don't know the whole song so I didn't.
one time I was upset at how he's pretty much a petri dish about his sex life and he told me I'm a big girl and I should grow up. I always thought growing up meant you left all that behind and got married. to me, that is the ultimate act of growing up because it's the hardest thing to do. it takes a lot of maturity to stay married, that's why I never did it and why marriages fail a LOT, I assume.
that's why my Internet ex-husband couldn't convert this into a real marriage. we both know we'd be a disaster together. he's all memes and I'm all adventure. I don't want a meme adventure, I want real adventures. you always seemed like you were good at that. I don't want to go live on his compound. I'm scared of that place.
I freaked out like, "Lil Snow, he's here."
Lil Snow mocked me about it, which made me not like Lil Snow very much. I told him it was a money thing and, of course, he was like "Yeah, ok liar." he asked me if I loved you and I said something like, "Well, out of all these men he was the one I said I was going to marry." and that's true. I did tell my family, almost as an act of rebellion, that I was going to marry you someday and this made them hate me.
then Lil Snow started asking me all these questions about whether I liked this or that and how his dream was to have all these women. I felt like maybe he was the embodiment of you, too; actually, like all these men who knew of me but knew I was not like that.
I remember how dumb I was just five short years ago. despite everyone saying that I'd be the Only for a man like that, that was not the vibe I got from you. I got the vibe that by the time we got to the end, I would be the only, if we ever got there at all.
but things got so complicated between them and now. I don't feel like that could ever be true because of how much my internet ex-husband and his people hate your guts. life just keeps reminding me of you and I hate that, too. even this dream I just had.
but there's a history I don't know and I assume that that's why that dream could never be real. I've only heard rumors anyway. they said you've done things that are unforgivable, especially by a woman like me.
so why does it feel like you changed the core of you and my internet ex-husband still cannot and did not? not even with the whole dog and pony show, not with the critical acclaim, and especially not with the criticism. he still can't handle basic criticism. I can't imagine a life like that where our conversations go in circles around his defense mechanisms.
I always felt like you understood.
anyways, maybe after this last fight he's actually done. I am and I'm concerned about the way we've gone back to square one again and again: he just wants to say he got his chance and that's probably it. it's about his ego because he could never handle the original option of watching me run off with you. we'd be too happy together and he'd be too jealous.
I'm not sure Lil Snow actually helped in that department so he's trying to use Lil Snow to make ME jealous now lol. strange cause Lil Snow doesn't even like him and doesn't care about the shit he does. Lil Snow is a little bit more like you, and that's what he wants in on.
one time Lil Snow showed up at the hostel I was at right as I started singing the song "At Last" by Etta James. it was awkward because it wasn't really about him, since he doesn't love me and I can't love someone who doesn't love me. after, he said, "You should sing 'It's My Life'." unfortunately, I don't know the whole song so I didn't.
one time I was upset at how he's pretty much a petri dish about his sex life and he told me I'm a big girl and I should grow up. I always thought growing up meant you left all that behind and got married. to me, that is the ultimate act of growing up because it's the hardest thing to do. it takes a lot of maturity to stay married, that's why I never did it and why marriages fail a LOT, I assume.
that's why my Internet ex-husband couldn't convert this into a real marriage. we both know we'd be a disaster together. he's all memes and I'm all adventure. I don't want a meme adventure, I want real adventures. you always seemed like you were good at that. I don't want to go live on his compound. I'm scared of that place.