whoever relays stuff 🇵🇸🏴☠️🇺🇲 on Nostr: 3 years ago today, February 22, I was terrified all day. Digit messaged me in the ...
3 years ago today, February 22, I was terrified all day. Digit messaged me in the morning saying something that made me feel like she only bonded with me so much the day before due to being high, and she was regretting it. I wrote that down, but not what she actually said. I wish I could find my screenshots from that day.
That's not why I was terrified all day. She also said something felt really wrong, then she disappeared. I kept getting more and more worried. I tried messaging the guy she "Discord-married" the day before, but he said he hadn't heard from her. I wished she had "Discord-married" me instead, so I'd feel less creepy asking around about her safety.
I've now been obsessing over Digit's safety and almost stalking her for 3 years, and counting. Time well spent, if she was serious about wanting to be noticed and remembered.
I didn't want to be that creepy, so for a while I just kept crying and staring at the screen, cycling through her reddit profile and the different Discord chat rooms where I might see her, or see anyone talking about her.
After a few hours I tried asking about her again in one of the chat rooms. I wasn't the only one that had heard from her, but no one knew where she was.
Someone in the chat told me I was scaring everyone. Then I entered new levels of self-hate and panic and stopped being able to handle anything without fucking it up ever since. I don't even remember who said that, but I haven't recovered from how it impacted me.
I told my best friend at the time I would kill myself if Digit was dead. I kept being a fuckup all day, scaring everyone by begging anyone for any sign of her safety, as I have continued to do whenever she's away ever since.
I was fighting sleep during all this and couldn't keep myself awake until night time. I fell asleep sometime in the afternoon. After a few hours, I woke up to news of her being safe. I even got to talk to her again. I fell back to sleep soon after that.
This wasn't the first time I went through a day of panic like this. I'm just lucky the people I panic about have survived.
All the serious connections I've had have been like this. I've never had an offline girlfriend, I only ever seem to bond this much with internet women who make me panic about their safety.
I first felt this kind of panic over my first girlfriend having suicide attempts where she'd slit her wrists, take pills, etc. and I'd be waiting for news after her ambulance rides to the hospital. These might have been faked to manipulate me, because allegedly she did fake one that went on for many hours one day after she broke up with me for being disloyal, where she was allegedly pretending to be her new boyfriend texting me from the hospital about the doctors saying she probably wouldn't make it and it was my fault.
I kept having experiences like that, some probably real and some probably not. There was a girl I drove to Georgia to physically look for when she disappeared during a medical event with her chronic heart arrhythmia. There were a lot of days and nights waiting for safety updates from her, sometimes crying all day when she disappeared saying she felt like she was dying. I didn't have real contact info for her. I slept in my car to look for her for a while after she disappeared, but I couldn't find her, got really sick, and had to go home.
She came back much later to tell me she was alive, and I'll never forget how lucky I felt.
The girl I drove to Georgia looking for disappeared without deleting her online accounts, but Digit isn't the first one that deleted her accounts. The first one was one called Mad, who I drove to Florida to look for, even further from home than the one I drove to Georgia for. I couldn't find either of them; my attempts seem stupid until you consider I had no other leads.
I still don't have proof Mad is alive. When I met Digit, I was still obsessing over Mad's safety. I told Digit about her (and the others).
Mad was scared of dying of what seemed to be a COVID infection she had when she disappeared. Mad is the reason I still have a lot of screenshots of my conversations with Digit. She taught me to take more screenshots, and stop deleting files that are painful to have, without thinking about how much more painful it would be not to have them. I just tell myself she has to be alive. She had a tattoo on her arm that said Moon + Back, in her mom's handwriting, from before her mom died.
People accuse Digit of faking her cancer. I've never seen any evidence of that. The girl with the arrhythmia, who I drove to Georgia to look for, did fake cancer before disappearing, because she couldn't break up with me due to my suicidal feelings at the time, but she saw how scared I was of her dying, so she thought she could make me stop loving her by scaring me more on purpose. This feeble attempt at betrayal just made me cling to her even more, because if she'd do all that to stop me from killing myself, it seemed like maybe I could get her to stay instead. I don't think I told Digit about all that. If Digit faked her cancer, she probably thinks I'd be mad about it. I'd actually be so happy and relieved if I got evidence she faked it. It would be hard for anyone to make me angry at that time, much less her. If she still wanted me to leave her alone, she could make me go look for Mad, but she couldn't make me mad myself.
That's not why I was terrified all day. She also said something felt really wrong, then she disappeared. I kept getting more and more worried. I tried messaging the guy she "Discord-married" the day before, but he said he hadn't heard from her. I wished she had "Discord-married" me instead, so I'd feel less creepy asking around about her safety.
I've now been obsessing over Digit's safety and almost stalking her for 3 years, and counting. Time well spent, if she was serious about wanting to be noticed and remembered.
I didn't want to be that creepy, so for a while I just kept crying and staring at the screen, cycling through her reddit profile and the different Discord chat rooms where I might see her, or see anyone talking about her.
After a few hours I tried asking about her again in one of the chat rooms. I wasn't the only one that had heard from her, but no one knew where she was.
Someone in the chat told me I was scaring everyone. Then I entered new levels of self-hate and panic and stopped being able to handle anything without fucking it up ever since. I don't even remember who said that, but I haven't recovered from how it impacted me.
I told my best friend at the time I would kill myself if Digit was dead. I kept being a fuckup all day, scaring everyone by begging anyone for any sign of her safety, as I have continued to do whenever she's away ever since.
I was fighting sleep during all this and couldn't keep myself awake until night time. I fell asleep sometime in the afternoon. After a few hours, I woke up to news of her being safe. I even got to talk to her again. I fell back to sleep soon after that.
This wasn't the first time I went through a day of panic like this. I'm just lucky the people I panic about have survived.
All the serious connections I've had have been like this. I've never had an offline girlfriend, I only ever seem to bond this much with internet women who make me panic about their safety.
I first felt this kind of panic over my first girlfriend having suicide attempts where she'd slit her wrists, take pills, etc. and I'd be waiting for news after her ambulance rides to the hospital. These might have been faked to manipulate me, because allegedly she did fake one that went on for many hours one day after she broke up with me for being disloyal, where she was allegedly pretending to be her new boyfriend texting me from the hospital about the doctors saying she probably wouldn't make it and it was my fault.
I kept having experiences like that, some probably real and some probably not. There was a girl I drove to Georgia to physically look for when she disappeared during a medical event with her chronic heart arrhythmia. There were a lot of days and nights waiting for safety updates from her, sometimes crying all day when she disappeared saying she felt like she was dying. I didn't have real contact info for her. I slept in my car to look for her for a while after she disappeared, but I couldn't find her, got really sick, and had to go home.
She came back much later to tell me she was alive, and I'll never forget how lucky I felt.
The girl I drove to Georgia looking for disappeared without deleting her online accounts, but Digit isn't the first one that deleted her accounts. The first one was one called Mad, who I drove to Florida to look for, even further from home than the one I drove to Georgia for. I couldn't find either of them; my attempts seem stupid until you consider I had no other leads.
I still don't have proof Mad is alive. When I met Digit, I was still obsessing over Mad's safety. I told Digit about her (and the others).
Mad was scared of dying of what seemed to be a COVID infection she had when she disappeared. Mad is the reason I still have a lot of screenshots of my conversations with Digit. She taught me to take more screenshots, and stop deleting files that are painful to have, without thinking about how much more painful it would be not to have them. I just tell myself she has to be alive. She had a tattoo on her arm that said Moon + Back, in her mom's handwriting, from before her mom died.
People accuse Digit of faking her cancer. I've never seen any evidence of that. The girl with the arrhythmia, who I drove to Georgia to look for, did fake cancer before disappearing, because she couldn't break up with me due to my suicidal feelings at the time, but she saw how scared I was of her dying, so she thought she could make me stop loving her by scaring me more on purpose. This feeble attempt at betrayal just made me cling to her even more, because if she'd do all that to stop me from killing myself, it seemed like maybe I could get her to stay instead. I don't think I told Digit about all that. If Digit faked her cancer, she probably thinks I'd be mad about it. I'd actually be so happy and relieved if I got evidence she faked it. It would be hard for anyone to make me angry at that time, much less her. If she still wanted me to leave her alone, she could make me go look for Mad, but she couldn't make me mad myself.