soggy donkey herder on Nostr: This is really long and emotional. I haven’t had a very pleasant week, but it’s ...
This is really long and emotional.
I haven’t had a very pleasant week, but it’s certainly better than the two weeks before it. I still don’t think the words will come right, but I’m gonna try.
So a week and a half ago, that guy in that discord put up that invite to his superspreader american thanksgiving dinner, and I freaked out. I didn’t freak out and yell, I freaked out and DM’d the leader, and he was like, not my place, people gotta live.
I figured out what was happening pretty early on. There’s this moral deadlock that happens to autists sometimes. Usually for me it’s when no one is allowed to talk about the huge visible hypocracy, but there wasn’t an explicit hypocracy here. No one committed to being anti-covid, even though there’s a channel just for horrible covid news. The superspreader dude even posts in it. But it seems to be against the group boundaries - they’re just gamers, I’m just a gamer spouse.
But for me, it was a moral deadlock. Why spend my time and show my fears to these people if they won’t even stand against covid? They’re all fucking leftists! Covid is not over, it’s like if you could get hiv from a cough, and I’m actively anti-covid. But the group is like, people gotta live and we can’t police their behavior.
It really fucked me up for about a week. It was a bad, anxious, depressed week - I’ve got a psych appointment next week, just hanging in there til then.
But then I realized that I’d vanished from their lives and been instantly forgotten. Most of them have adhd, and I do too, and I know that none of us have any object permanence for people. I quit posting but they didn’t, and it’s a bad news week, and absences are hard to perceive.
But I talked to them every day for eight years except the one week I didn’t, and not a single person noticed on their own. My husband (who is my rock, and I adore him) says it’s just my RSD fucking with my head. But now it’s been ten days. I still feel like I don’t actually exist in that discord, and I certainly don’t feel like it’s worth my time to go post any more links about how fucking bad covid is.
So I think I’m done there. I hate it, I hate the cannot-compromise core of me, but that’s who I am. My brain has clunked into anti-covid mode and it just can’t get past the un-hypocracy.
I haven’t had a very pleasant week, but it’s certainly better than the two weeks before it. I still don’t think the words will come right, but I’m gonna try.
So a week and a half ago, that guy in that discord put up that invite to his superspreader american thanksgiving dinner, and I freaked out. I didn’t freak out and yell, I freaked out and DM’d the leader, and he was like, not my place, people gotta live.
I figured out what was happening pretty early on. There’s this moral deadlock that happens to autists sometimes. Usually for me it’s when no one is allowed to talk about the huge visible hypocracy, but there wasn’t an explicit hypocracy here. No one committed to being anti-covid, even though there’s a channel just for horrible covid news. The superspreader dude even posts in it. But it seems to be against the group boundaries - they’re just gamers, I’m just a gamer spouse.
But for me, it was a moral deadlock. Why spend my time and show my fears to these people if they won’t even stand against covid? They’re all fucking leftists! Covid is not over, it’s like if you could get hiv from a cough, and I’m actively anti-covid. But the group is like, people gotta live and we can’t police their behavior.
It really fucked me up for about a week. It was a bad, anxious, depressed week - I’ve got a psych appointment next week, just hanging in there til then.
But then I realized that I’d vanished from their lives and been instantly forgotten. Most of them have adhd, and I do too, and I know that none of us have any object permanence for people. I quit posting but they didn’t, and it’s a bad news week, and absences are hard to perceive.
But I talked to them every day for eight years except the one week I didn’t, and not a single person noticed on their own. My husband (who is my rock, and I adore him) says it’s just my RSD fucking with my head. But now it’s been ten days. I still feel like I don’t actually exist in that discord, and I certainly don’t feel like it’s worth my time to go post any more links about how fucking bad covid is.
So I think I’m done there. I hate it, I hate the cannot-compromise core of me, but that’s who I am. My brain has clunked into anti-covid mode and it just can’t get past the un-hypocracy.