Magic Blue Smoke on Nostr: Shame upon shame Disgust and bitterness and demoralization Eating poison, chewing my ...

Shame upon shame

Disgust and bitterness and demoralization

Eating poison, chewing my body up, just to stave off some calculated measure of pain.

Not "no pain", just "less than the alternative".

Never "no pain" again, of course. Pain and fear in waves, breaking over the beach of eternity, stretching out as far as I'm willing to look.

The shame of finding myself in this position, the shame of being unable to fix it on my own, the shame of being unable to just get over it

But why not, really