Begrudging Recluse on Nostr: I've seen many people share their holiday troubles regarding seeing family and ...
I've seen many people share their holiday troubles regarding seeing family and #covid19 so I thought I'd share mine too.
In 2020 my partner and I invited my parents to a Christmas dinner through video call. They didn't want to because 'it's not the real thing', but I convinced them. I went through a lot of trouble to teach them how to use the program. I created a fun quiz and screenshared my silly powerpoint. We had a lot of laughs.
In 2021 I invited them again, but they didn't want to. I tried to convince them, but my mother said: "Let's do it again, but without the quizzes and all the extra stuff, it's such a hassle." She was in a bad mood because I hadn't visited for some important life events in the previous months. So we started the video call, immediately ate, and my mother shut down the call after we barely emptied our plates.
In 2022 my mother contacted me that she didn't want to video call a dinner for Christmas because she was going on a week long holiday with family members. I suggested we could do it a week earlier or later, but she said no, she's too busy with the other people. So we didn't celebrate together.
This year I told my partner that I wasn't going to invite them again, I'm kind of tired of begging my parents to try to have a digital relationship with me instead of none at all. "Graag of niet" as we'd say in Dutch ("enthusiastically or not at all", often said to ungrateful people lol). They haven't suggested anything so far.
This week my mother sent me a message saying "I hope they find a solution for the pandemic soon, I'm waiting for that, so we can see each other again." I sent back that it's not going to end, and that she'll be waiting forever like that. However, we could meet inside after a week of isolation, outside with all masks, or online whenever. She answered that her earlier message wasn't an accusation, she's just sad that she can't see me and that she feels alone.
I felt really bad for a few days because of that interaction, but I feel a little better now. Each year it gets a little easier. The only thing becoming more mild is my self-doubt and guilt (and not the virus, that's for sure 😂 ).
I sometimes wonder if I'll regret these things once my parents will become sicker or pass away. Will I look back and see missed opportunities for connection? Probably, but I also feel like I don't have a lot of choice. I often can't combine their wishes with protecting myself and my partner. It takes both sides to form a good relationship. I won't have a warm and pleasant relationship with my parents. They blame me, I blame them, it's a mess with no easy fix.
This will be hurt, guilt and disappointment I'll carry with me forever, but I'm getting a better at dealing with it and not letting it consume me or influence my decisions too much.
Best wishes to everyone dealing with their (former) loved ones this month. Protect your boundaries and create your own cheer.
#covid #CovidIsNotOver
In 2020 my partner and I invited my parents to a Christmas dinner through video call. They didn't want to because 'it's not the real thing', but I convinced them. I went through a lot of trouble to teach them how to use the program. I created a fun quiz and screenshared my silly powerpoint. We had a lot of laughs.
In 2021 I invited them again, but they didn't want to. I tried to convince them, but my mother said: "Let's do it again, but without the quizzes and all the extra stuff, it's such a hassle." She was in a bad mood because I hadn't visited for some important life events in the previous months. So we started the video call, immediately ate, and my mother shut down the call after we barely emptied our plates.
In 2022 my mother contacted me that she didn't want to video call a dinner for Christmas because she was going on a week long holiday with family members. I suggested we could do it a week earlier or later, but she said no, she's too busy with the other people. So we didn't celebrate together.
This year I told my partner that I wasn't going to invite them again, I'm kind of tired of begging my parents to try to have a digital relationship with me instead of none at all. "Graag of niet" as we'd say in Dutch ("enthusiastically or not at all", often said to ungrateful people lol). They haven't suggested anything so far.
This week my mother sent me a message saying "I hope they find a solution for the pandemic soon, I'm waiting for that, so we can see each other again." I sent back that it's not going to end, and that she'll be waiting forever like that. However, we could meet inside after a week of isolation, outside with all masks, or online whenever. She answered that her earlier message wasn't an accusation, she's just sad that she can't see me and that she feels alone.
I felt really bad for a few days because of that interaction, but I feel a little better now. Each year it gets a little easier. The only thing becoming more mild is my self-doubt and guilt (and not the virus, that's for sure 😂 ).
I sometimes wonder if I'll regret these things once my parents will become sicker or pass away. Will I look back and see missed opportunities for connection? Probably, but I also feel like I don't have a lot of choice. I often can't combine their wishes with protecting myself and my partner. It takes both sides to form a good relationship. I won't have a warm and pleasant relationship with my parents. They blame me, I blame them, it's a mess with no easy fix.
This will be hurt, guilt and disappointment I'll carry with me forever, but I'm getting a better at dealing with it and not letting it consume me or influence my decisions too much.
Best wishes to everyone dealing with their (former) loved ones this month. Protect your boundaries and create your own cheer.
#covid #CovidIsNotOver