LionelValentineAborted on Nostr: Depression doesn’t kill you, it exhausts you to the point where killing yourself is ...
Depression doesn’t kill you, it exhausts you to the point where killing yourself is preferable to continuing a life left numb under its weight.
It’s a thick, lead cloud that eats away at your ability to function, to the point where you have no choice but to quarantine it by putting up a mental wall to shield what’s left of you from its ravages.
But it never fully succeeds in doing so. As with any dam, it’s bound to spring a leak.
And when that leak is sprung, every time that leak is sprung, the effects get stronger and stronger. The effects being that complete and total numbness in the mind and body….
It’s the wall you keep up that ultimately wears you out. More and more energy is spent keeping it back, leaving less and less for the every day. Eventually, you just go on automatic until…
….
Until you dissociate to the point where you’re just, kinda… not there…
It’s hard to explain, because I’m barely there to feel it. One minute you’re working, and the next you’re just sitting there, staring off into space. No thoughts, no feelings, just… nothing….
More and more you realize how much time gets lost, more and more you realize the every day conversations that come and go with you just being on automatic, because you’re literally too exhausted to even think about the simple subjects…
And more and more you realize that that’ll be the rest of your life and then some, the longer you live. Hurting your friends and family isn’t so much of a concern, when you were never really there for them to begin with, you think to yourself.
“If I’m already not there, why pretend to be?”
That’s the sort of… kill switch I guess that leads to that final goodbye.
…. And it takes either a god-given miracle or a hellish will to live in order to break free of that train of thought once the engines start.
It’s a thick, lead cloud that eats away at your ability to function, to the point where you have no choice but to quarantine it by putting up a mental wall to shield what’s left of you from its ravages.
But it never fully succeeds in doing so. As with any dam, it’s bound to spring a leak.
And when that leak is sprung, every time that leak is sprung, the effects get stronger and stronger. The effects being that complete and total numbness in the mind and body….
It’s the wall you keep up that ultimately wears you out. More and more energy is spent keeping it back, leaving less and less for the every day. Eventually, you just go on automatic until…
….
Until you dissociate to the point where you’re just, kinda… not there…
It’s hard to explain, because I’m barely there to feel it. One minute you’re working, and the next you’re just sitting there, staring off into space. No thoughts, no feelings, just… nothing….
More and more you realize how much time gets lost, more and more you realize the every day conversations that come and go with you just being on automatic, because you’re literally too exhausted to even think about the simple subjects…
And more and more you realize that that’ll be the rest of your life and then some, the longer you live. Hurting your friends and family isn’t so much of a concern, when you were never really there for them to begin with, you think to yourself.
“If I’m already not there, why pretend to be?”
That’s the sort of… kill switch I guess that leads to that final goodbye.
…. And it takes either a god-given miracle or a hellish will to live in order to break free of that train of thought once the engines start.