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Begrudging Recluse /
npub1sf0…payl
2023-08-23 06:43:30

Begrudging Recluse on Nostr: The first years of the #pandemic there was lots of mourning and anger for me. I had ...

The first years of the #pandemic there was lots of mourning and anger for me. I had finally started to process some of these feelings. Yes, #covid would be here to stay, and yes, I'd probably have no allies in my direct surroundings except for my partner. The hurt of ableism, abandonment, social murder was massive, but I'd manage. Isolate, endure and focus on other things in life that are still worthwhile.

Now that mask hostility is rising, this has become harder. Going out is difficult. Discrimination is increasing. Over the last two months, medical appointments have gone from no comment to a frustrating discussion every time.

Once again my focus in life narrows down. It is only my chronic illness, plague avoidance and survival. I can't go anywhere or speak to anyone without that being front and center.

I'm back to cancelling some medical appointments. Not just because of fear of infection, but also because I feel too emotionally drained to keep fighting for my right to mask and not being taken seriously.

It's not really anger or mourning right now that's growing in me. It's a sad emptiness, a hollow tiredness, some dread for the future and this getting worse. Having to learn to accept that leaving my living space means dealing with hate, bullying, judgement & unfair treatment.

I can be all tough and claim "I don't care! I have witty responses! I know I'm cooler than them!" and that's partially true. I will need to be like that to keep standing. But it doesn't take away from the reality that living through this constantly without much improvement in sight, is very strenuous.

#covid19 #CovidIsNotOver
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