Terrafied Kestrel on Nostr: Three days ago I got great news about my GRS/BA surgery. Two days ago I had an ...
Three days ago I got great news about my GRS/BA surgery.
Two days ago I had an experience that made me feel like I was real, like I was just really me, Terra, woman, without qualifications.
By yesterday, I felt so happy and euphoric and free I set up a lewd (-adjacent, let's be honest) alt account.
Then, last night, I had a conversation that hit directly, dead center in that spot of "happiness never comes without even more pain."
Fuck.
My counselor and I have been working on my connection to joy. I tend to hold joy at bay, to sidestep it, a conditioned cPTSD response that tied joy to pain early on and with so many pieces of evidence that they only and ever travel together. The persistent feeling that the better things are, the more I will pay for it.
I wish I could believe joy didn't always come with a heavier cost. This is not helping me do that.
Two days ago I had an experience that made me feel like I was real, like I was just really me, Terra, woman, without qualifications.
By yesterday, I felt so happy and euphoric and free I set up a lewd (-adjacent, let's be honest) alt account.
Then, last night, I had a conversation that hit directly, dead center in that spot of "happiness never comes without even more pain."
Fuck.
My counselor and I have been working on my connection to joy. I tend to hold joy at bay, to sidestep it, a conditioned cPTSD response that tied joy to pain early on and with so many pieces of evidence that they only and ever travel together. The persistent feeling that the better things are, the more I will pay for it.
I wish I could believe joy didn't always come with a heavier cost. This is not helping me do that.