surfhosting on Nostr: thank you for taking the time, and the vulnerability, to share all this. I'm glad I ...
thank you for taking the time, and the vulnerability, to share all this. I'm glad I followed you on my first day on Nostr.
my pet project - basically a documentation resource on how to self-host while lowkey homeless or nomadic - comes from a similar origin.
due to various factors I burned out of mainstream 9-5 software engineering about a decade ago, and eventually lost my home. it was only then I began to realize that I have sensory issues which prevent me from being able to work when I don't live alone or only with "compatible" people.
sharing a house with many sorts of normal people just living their lives, absolutely decimates my ability to concentrate, because I absolutely cannot stop processing the noise of them moving around, unless they have an activity pattern similar to what my parents had when I was growing up. there is no "tune it out" for me. I hear everything, all the time, in exquisite detail. once I was living in a basement for a while and I could tell you who did what in which bathroom of the house by the sound of the water in the pipes.
if I go too long without sensory downtime, I begin to develop temporary dementia-like symptoms. I lose the ability to think properly, to contain the necessary complexity in my head which is required to be a developer. if it continues, I start losing my ability to speak & write properly. and if the sensory overload still continues, eventually I will begin to hallucinate and I will shut down entirely.
as you relate with your condition, most people cannot understand and don't care to. I've lost good friends over this and I can't say I'll forgive them for it. I even spent a short time living outdoors this past summer because of it.
the part you mention about never being able to plan anything is so, so, so relatable. "why don't you just ____ and get paid," the "helpful" types ask. because I can never count on my brain functioning properly at any given point in the future, until I live someplace where I have control over my sensory input. even explaining that is useless, because people are unable to understand that when I'm in sensory burnout, my brain doesn't do the tasks but slower, it does the tasks *wrong*. I make mistakes. I fail to see obvious information. I read text off a page and what my brain interprets is not what the text says. no one can do "knowledge work" like this.
and so for about the past 5 years I've been on a mission to put in place the foundation of some kind of web development & hosting business, while spending as little money as possible to run it, and while not having a home to run it from, only a series of temporary places to stay. I'm building it in the hope I will eventually have space of my own (and thus control my sensory input) and can actually then make money off it, and also because I know even when I am healthy and living within my sensory means, 9-5 corporate work is a quick path to deep depression for me, and depression (for me) is an existential threat.
and so, Surfhosting was born.
just in the past 3 days I've finally got back to grinding on the website to get it launched, after 6 months disruption due to finding myself living outdoors and then moving across the country to my last-chance friend's couch.
anyway, like I said, thanks for sharing. being open like this is the only way such issues will ever be better understood by the ignorant masses who view us as "lesser than" because we don't fit the standard mold.
my pet project - basically a documentation resource on how to self-host while lowkey homeless or nomadic - comes from a similar origin.
due to various factors I burned out of mainstream 9-5 software engineering about a decade ago, and eventually lost my home. it was only then I began to realize that I have sensory issues which prevent me from being able to work when I don't live alone or only with "compatible" people.
sharing a house with many sorts of normal people just living their lives, absolutely decimates my ability to concentrate, because I absolutely cannot stop processing the noise of them moving around, unless they have an activity pattern similar to what my parents had when I was growing up. there is no "tune it out" for me. I hear everything, all the time, in exquisite detail. once I was living in a basement for a while and I could tell you who did what in which bathroom of the house by the sound of the water in the pipes.
if I go too long without sensory downtime, I begin to develop temporary dementia-like symptoms. I lose the ability to think properly, to contain the necessary complexity in my head which is required to be a developer. if it continues, I start losing my ability to speak & write properly. and if the sensory overload still continues, eventually I will begin to hallucinate and I will shut down entirely.
as you relate with your condition, most people cannot understand and don't care to. I've lost good friends over this and I can't say I'll forgive them for it. I even spent a short time living outdoors this past summer because of it.
the part you mention about never being able to plan anything is so, so, so relatable. "why don't you just ____ and get paid," the "helpful" types ask. because I can never count on my brain functioning properly at any given point in the future, until I live someplace where I have control over my sensory input. even explaining that is useless, because people are unable to understand that when I'm in sensory burnout, my brain doesn't do the tasks but slower, it does the tasks *wrong*. I make mistakes. I fail to see obvious information. I read text off a page and what my brain interprets is not what the text says. no one can do "knowledge work" like this.
and so for about the past 5 years I've been on a mission to put in place the foundation of some kind of web development & hosting business, while spending as little money as possible to run it, and while not having a home to run it from, only a series of temporary places to stay. I'm building it in the hope I will eventually have space of my own (and thus control my sensory input) and can actually then make money off it, and also because I know even when I am healthy and living within my sensory means, 9-5 corporate work is a quick path to deep depression for me, and depression (for me) is an existential threat.
and so, Surfhosting was born.
just in the past 3 days I've finally got back to grinding on the website to get it launched, after 6 months disruption due to finding myself living outdoors and then moving across the country to my last-chance friend's couch.
anyway, like I said, thanks for sharing. being open like this is the only way such issues will ever be better understood by the ignorant masses who view us as "lesser than" because we don't fit the standard mold.