Sedj on Nostr: I've really been doing this friending thing wrong. Probably my whole life. This is ...
I've really been doing this friending thing wrong. Probably my whole life. This is gonna be a long one, so strap in.
First, to baseline - the first 8 years of my life was spent in a very remote part of western Canada, out in the islands. Not near people. No schools. No friends, really.
Then, 8 years in, I was moved to Las Vegas (THAT Las Vegas) to live with my grandmother, directly after my dad died. I had no idea how to be social. None. It was a mess. I was a mess. No other way to describe it.
So to that point, everything I knew about friending came from books; mostly Hardy Boys mysteries, maybe some Choose Your Own Adventure. A few Nancy Drews. There was no television in my former life. My parents weren't much help, as they didn't live in the middle of nowhere because they were at all social, so not like I had much there to model after.
I guess I learned most social lessons 1) late. 2) the hard way. Bullied? yes. Jumped? several times. There is a whole other topic that merges in here about how religion influenced this, but I'll just say that in general, Christianity was offered to me as a social milieu. This has its benefits and issues. But that's not what I want to discuss right now.
What I learned.
1) I liked other kids. I wanted to be like other kids.
2) I did not have any idea how to be like other kids.
3) Telling other kids about my past did not really help. They didn't care, and would be more likely to make fun of me.
4) I didn't like being made fun of. I liked even less getting my ass kicked.
5) Lying about my past, or not talking about it, was a better way to move forward.
6) Lying was generally more likely to get me "friends" than being honest.
7) To get "friends", I needed to somehow impress them, or do something for them, or possibly be something for them.
8) I didn't do well at getting friends, or keeping friends. I figured I was pretty broken overall.
This was not a great childhood. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was pretty motivated to move on. I hated school, myself, and pretty much everything about my life. I was always trying to find a better way, figuring if I could just be like other people, I would be in a better place.
This mindset (perceived low self esteem, in spite of actually pulling off a lot of really cool shit along the way, because I was my own harshest critic and had no idea how to actually stand on my own) really went up to a few years ago (let's say early 40s.)
The whole time, I didn't know how to friend. I tried. I wanted friends. I would get frustrated with myself that I wasn't putting in the effort to keep friends around. I had no problem being in a crowd, or finding people to talk to, or talking to people. I can go in public and start a conversation with just about anyone. I can get invited to the after party. I've been the one throwing the after party. But the next day, these people didn't give two shits about me, didn't invite me to the next party, wouldn't check on how I was doing, and I thought it was because I was just not putting in the effort in some way.
I went to fucking counseling, finally. This got me sorted on the self esteem thing. It got me reading a lot of good stuff. Even my counselor never figured out why my friending was broken. We eventually parted ways, because I wasn't depressed, anxious, or anything he could help with. I was way too introspective and intellectual for him, and he thought it was getting in the way of my ability to feel emotion. I did too, for a while - but I feel emotion just fine. I don't always channel it out into expression very well, but it's not because I don't feel it.
Well, I'll skip to the end. Literally yesterday, I think. I was watching a video podcast (Diary of a CEO) that I watch occasionally. He was interviewing the CIA guy, seen him a couple times before on that podcast, and I think on Impact Theory. I actually don't like him much, don't really agree with him and his takes, but I decided I would listen in anyway because I do like hearing a different point of view.
And he was talking about persuasion and influence, and how to build relationships with people in order to persuade them or have influence over them, for example, to land a job through the interview process.
But what he said just fucking clicked. Hard.
People want to feel invested in. People like people that they perceive to be like them, taking an interest in them and sharing similar views. The best way to win an interview (or a sale) is to learn as much as possible about the interviewer and ask them questions directly about what they like, how they think, etc. Open-ended questions, that show your interest in them. Pepper that with plenty of observations that show how you are just like them, or think the same way they do.
The whole last most of the years of my life, I had been speaking to people trying to tell them about myself. Trying to interject into conversation things I think they would find interesting. I was telling, not selling. At the end of it, people would still say I was not very open, or hard to get to know. This was really frustrating, because I could literally tell them my fucking life story, and they would still give that feedback. It hasn't been because I didn't make the effort. It isn't because I was closed off, aloof, emotionally unavailable. It was because I was friending like the books I started reading. Narration, character one talks, character 2 replies, etc.
Books do NOT show speech patterns the way it really works. I read a ton of books. Always have. Lots of fiction. Lots of non-fiction, later in life. This fails to show how to talk to people.
I think the real key is to ask more questions. Learn as much about the people you want to friend as you can, and never stop asking them questions. Your past isn't the issue. Your likes, dislikes, opinions, all of that doesn't matter to them. All they care about and all they will remember is how much you appeared to care about them, how much you seemed willing to invest in them, how much you seemed like them, and more importantly how much you seemed to like them. People like to be liked. This all seems so fucking obvious, probably why my counselor completely missed it.
It doesn't have to be patronizing. Just ask people how they are doing. Ask about their kids, their pets, their projects. Ask questions, lots of them. Don't feel you have to tell anyone anything unless you want to, just keep asking. Eventually they will ask back. Be honest, because there's no danger in it - but keep asking questions back.
This is why I have failed at social media. I have failed at nostr as well. I have tons of notes, like this one, that is telling you all about me, my thoughts, my life.
BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE.
and why should you? Have I shown I cared about you? A like, a zap, that shit doesn't do it. Asking questions is the only way. And I don't even think my client of choice does a great job of conversations. I may change it.
But I am close to done with posting these notes that tell everything and ask nothing. I promise to change. I must change. Fuck, I've been such a goddamned idiot for so long. This is not going to be an easy change, but I have to figure it the fuck out.
Good night, Nostr. Tomorrow I will ask the questions.
First, to baseline - the first 8 years of my life was spent in a very remote part of western Canada, out in the islands. Not near people. No schools. No friends, really.
Then, 8 years in, I was moved to Las Vegas (THAT Las Vegas) to live with my grandmother, directly after my dad died. I had no idea how to be social. None. It was a mess. I was a mess. No other way to describe it.
So to that point, everything I knew about friending came from books; mostly Hardy Boys mysteries, maybe some Choose Your Own Adventure. A few Nancy Drews. There was no television in my former life. My parents weren't much help, as they didn't live in the middle of nowhere because they were at all social, so not like I had much there to model after.
I guess I learned most social lessons 1) late. 2) the hard way. Bullied? yes. Jumped? several times. There is a whole other topic that merges in here about how religion influenced this, but I'll just say that in general, Christianity was offered to me as a social milieu. This has its benefits and issues. But that's not what I want to discuss right now.
What I learned.
1) I liked other kids. I wanted to be like other kids.
2) I did not have any idea how to be like other kids.
3) Telling other kids about my past did not really help. They didn't care, and would be more likely to make fun of me.
4) I didn't like being made fun of. I liked even less getting my ass kicked.
5) Lying about my past, or not talking about it, was a better way to move forward.
6) Lying was generally more likely to get me "friends" than being honest.
7) To get "friends", I needed to somehow impress them, or do something for them, or possibly be something for them.
8) I didn't do well at getting friends, or keeping friends. I figured I was pretty broken overall.
This was not a great childhood. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was pretty motivated to move on. I hated school, myself, and pretty much everything about my life. I was always trying to find a better way, figuring if I could just be like other people, I would be in a better place.
This mindset (perceived low self esteem, in spite of actually pulling off a lot of really cool shit along the way, because I was my own harshest critic and had no idea how to actually stand on my own) really went up to a few years ago (let's say early 40s.)
The whole time, I didn't know how to friend. I tried. I wanted friends. I would get frustrated with myself that I wasn't putting in the effort to keep friends around. I had no problem being in a crowd, or finding people to talk to, or talking to people. I can go in public and start a conversation with just about anyone. I can get invited to the after party. I've been the one throwing the after party. But the next day, these people didn't give two shits about me, didn't invite me to the next party, wouldn't check on how I was doing, and I thought it was because I was just not putting in the effort in some way.
I went to fucking counseling, finally. This got me sorted on the self esteem thing. It got me reading a lot of good stuff. Even my counselor never figured out why my friending was broken. We eventually parted ways, because I wasn't depressed, anxious, or anything he could help with. I was way too introspective and intellectual for him, and he thought it was getting in the way of my ability to feel emotion. I did too, for a while - but I feel emotion just fine. I don't always channel it out into expression very well, but it's not because I don't feel it.
Well, I'll skip to the end. Literally yesterday, I think. I was watching a video podcast (Diary of a CEO) that I watch occasionally. He was interviewing the CIA guy, seen him a couple times before on that podcast, and I think on Impact Theory. I actually don't like him much, don't really agree with him and his takes, but I decided I would listen in anyway because I do like hearing a different point of view.
And he was talking about persuasion and influence, and how to build relationships with people in order to persuade them or have influence over them, for example, to land a job through the interview process.
But what he said just fucking clicked. Hard.
People want to feel invested in. People like people that they perceive to be like them, taking an interest in them and sharing similar views. The best way to win an interview (or a sale) is to learn as much as possible about the interviewer and ask them questions directly about what they like, how they think, etc. Open-ended questions, that show your interest in them. Pepper that with plenty of observations that show how you are just like them, or think the same way they do.
The whole last most of the years of my life, I had been speaking to people trying to tell them about myself. Trying to interject into conversation things I think they would find interesting. I was telling, not selling. At the end of it, people would still say I was not very open, or hard to get to know. This was really frustrating, because I could literally tell them my fucking life story, and they would still give that feedback. It hasn't been because I didn't make the effort. It isn't because I was closed off, aloof, emotionally unavailable. It was because I was friending like the books I started reading. Narration, character one talks, character 2 replies, etc.
Books do NOT show speech patterns the way it really works. I read a ton of books. Always have. Lots of fiction. Lots of non-fiction, later in life. This fails to show how to talk to people.
I think the real key is to ask more questions. Learn as much about the people you want to friend as you can, and never stop asking them questions. Your past isn't the issue. Your likes, dislikes, opinions, all of that doesn't matter to them. All they care about and all they will remember is how much you appeared to care about them, how much you seemed willing to invest in them, how much you seemed like them, and more importantly how much you seemed to like them. People like to be liked. This all seems so fucking obvious, probably why my counselor completely missed it.
It doesn't have to be patronizing. Just ask people how they are doing. Ask about their kids, their pets, their projects. Ask questions, lots of them. Don't feel you have to tell anyone anything unless you want to, just keep asking. Eventually they will ask back. Be honest, because there's no danger in it - but keep asking questions back.
This is why I have failed at social media. I have failed at nostr as well. I have tons of notes, like this one, that is telling you all about me, my thoughts, my life.
BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE.
and why should you? Have I shown I cared about you? A like, a zap, that shit doesn't do it. Asking questions is the only way. And I don't even think my client of choice does a great job of conversations. I may change it.
But I am close to done with posting these notes that tell everything and ask nothing. I promise to change. I must change. Fuck, I've been such a goddamned idiot for so long. This is not going to be an easy change, but I have to figure it the fuck out.
Good night, Nostr. Tomorrow I will ask the questions.